Nadia Damn Bizness

When I was 11, my dog got hit by a car. I was devastated, to say the least, but the thing that I couldn’t shake was that somehow, I sort of felt it coming. When I woke up that morning, I had this feeling of dread that I just couldn’t shake. My mom wanted me to take him out, but I was nervous. I still remember it really vividly– how it happened, that he slipped through a hole at the bottom of the fence– probably chasing a squirrel. There was nothing I could do to stop it, I know that, but I’m telling you, somehow I knew it was gonna happen. I don’t know why, but I feel the same way today. It’s such a beautiful day. Everything is so fresh and beautiful after the rain we had… I should be celebrating with my friends … my family. Hell, I got to stay here instead of making the trek to Tulsa! But I just can’t seem to shake this feeling that something unstoppable is coming, just like that morning with my dog. God… if you’re listening… please protect THE MESSENGERS.

Got to talk a bit with my mom today. She still hasn’t sold her house in Tulsa yet, so I think Amy and I are going to be heading out on a trip to see her. I mean, it’s not my FIRST choice of vacation destinations… But it’ll be a nice change of scenery for a little bit.

The Messengers found their final member. His name is Zahir and he seems pretty amazing. He was a journalist and is super passionate about the pursuit of justice. He’s also a handy electrician. My hair-dryer broke down, and he fixed it in a heartbeat. I think we’ll be friends. 

The real reason why I’m excited, is because his being here brings so many positive things. They’re stronger together. Erin used to be sick a lot, and now she’s feeling better. Koa’s memory has been improving. Uncle Raul, sorry—DAD– is having less headaches, and I think it’s because Zahir is around. It’s almost like he was the last critical piece they needed to finish this crazy puzzle. I sure hope I’m right about that.

Ever have one of those days where it feels like your whole life has turned upside down? Well, sorry but I don’t think anyone gets what that’s like if they haven’t had a genuine day from Hell. So I think I’ve been pretty clear about the fact that it hasn’t always been easy adjusting to having my uncle back in my life. But at the end of the day, it’s also been kinda great. With my dad being gone… it’s just been nice to know there is someone who actually really cares, y’know? 

Then let’s just say I wound up spending an unanticipated day with the very last person you’d ever want to be on the planet with—much less in the same room with. And I really could’ve used my Uncle Raul around. But of course, he had his hands full elsewhere. And then when he finally did turn up,… what did he do? He dropped a bomb of his own. Yeah. Turns out, my uncle is actually my dad. I know. It sounds like a telenovela…except this is real, and it’s my life. And far less melodramatic, I guess. I feel like I should be more upset about it… but I’m not? I mean, my whole life is just… like, this is a huge deal, and it sort of turns everything on its head… but I’m okay. At least, for now. Guess we’ll have to see what happens next.

Things seem to be getting back to normal with Amy, which is a really, really good thing. I tried drawing with her again today and it was actually kind of fun. I haven’t drawn in a long time– before she didn’t really want me to draw with her, but today she actually wanted to draw together, which was awesome. I’m just really glad that she seems to be so much back to herself. It’s a huge relief. Over the past month or two, Amy has pretty much become my kid sister. So when she’s happy… I’m happy.

Alright, I’m a teenager, and I know that no adult thinks that’s worth much, but COME ON. There is such a thing as P R I V A C Y, right?! Some general human being respect? My living situation isn’t exactly ideal right now, what with a really full house, but one would think, in general, KNOCKING would be a common courtesy? I’m going to investigate how hard it would be to install a deadbolt. Then at least my Uncle Raul might have a little more difficulty sticking his nose in my business.

I know from experience how much it sucks not to have your mom around. But I think it’s really starting to get to Amy– even though Erin has only been gone for a few days. I don’t know much about kid’s sleeping schedules, but she’s not really sleeping at night, and I’ll wake up in the middle of the night to find her drawing… which seems to be about the only thing she’s interested during the day, too. I mean, she’s a really good artist. At her age, I was pretty much limited to smiley faces and tic tac toe. But she’s into different stuff. I dunno, maybe it’s just how kids are these days– but she’s been drawing flying spiders… like spiders THEMSELVES weren’t scary enough. I don’t need to think about them FLYING, thank you very much. I just hope she’s okay, I know she really misses her mom, and I guess if her “acting out” is just being a bit anti-social and drawing, I should consider myself lucky. I keep thinking maybe I should tell Erin about how off Amy has been, but I really don’t want to stress her out. God knows she’s got a lot on her plate. Pun fully intended.

Movie night with Amy! I’m making her watch some of the cartoons I grew up on, most of which she hasn’t seen. Sent a picture to her mom while she’s away for a few days. Pretty cute, huh?

Y’know, I was kind of annoyed in the beginning when I became a “default babysitter” for Amy, but I gotta say, the kid has grown on me a lot. I never thought about being a big sister until she came around, and I sort of love it? Besides, I forgot how much fun it is to build a fort out of pillows and blankets.

Relationships are messy. I know this from my mom. I know this from my dad. I know this from my crazy ex-boyfriend who shall not be named. I don’t think I ever loved him, not in the way I do Peter at least (that’s weird to say out loud). I liked that he provided structure for me after my mom left, when the world seemed upside down. But I realize now he was just being controlling. Peter is different. He is wonderful, and amazing, and brave. He sees the world as messy, but he’s doing what he can to fix it. And I plan on sticking with him during this crazy ride. I’m proud of myself. I used to be too naive to understand how much work goes into a relationship. But I’ve learned from my mom, I’ve learned from both of my dads, and as much as I hate him, I’ve learned from my crappy ex. And thanks to all of them, I think I’ve learned how to love Peter.